After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
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Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience