I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
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[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB