The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
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they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
#JohnTravolta
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries