5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
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Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
oh shit
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat