replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
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*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread