How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
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Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.