A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
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I think something went wrong here?!🤔
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
japanese corn
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.