[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
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She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
Air pods looking like an angry frog
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*