Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
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Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.