My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
You Might Also Like
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
I wish other jobs let us solve issues by releasing diss tracks. got some sick rhymes about debbie from accounting and her poorly structured invoicing
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
Not to brag but this cashier is checking me out.
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please