Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
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No, why?
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Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
Cat is stressing him out.
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more