“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
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I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
Overindulged this afternoon.
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
and this one
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives