I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
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scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
Oh, I bet you would be
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
A leaf blower, but for people.
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.