“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
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My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..