Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
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Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.