“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
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Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”