Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
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doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
This forever.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.