*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
You Might Also Like
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
AM I BEING GASLIT????
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
🤣😈🤣
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped