My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
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Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
Me too, bag. Me too….
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no