Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
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Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it