A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
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It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
your elf on the shelf was delicious
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher