Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
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My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
Order here:
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Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts