[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
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By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
men: i like the natural no makeup look
me: that natural look took more makeup than bozo the clown
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
Twitter is an abusement park.
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
is this meant to deter me
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*