I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
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Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”