Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
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My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying