Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
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He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore