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you’d think eating your young was more filling.
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
no their not
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?