If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
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felt cute might bury dad later idk
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”