When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
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My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking