I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
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The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
A bold strategy