WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
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*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
My favorite female superhero
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.