Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
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[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink