Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
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* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
O Wise One….
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]