My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
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You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.