SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
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People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.