Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
You Might Also Like
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…