There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
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Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.