My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
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*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask