I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
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if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
idk what he going thru but i feel him
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
💁🏻♂️
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.