Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
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[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
Walking in the woods, 4-year-old asked if I would carry her armful of rocks. I said no. She asked if I would carry her sweatshirt. I said yes. She handed me her sweatshirt (filled with rocks).
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
Crying is a sign of leakness.
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend