ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
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<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.