[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
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Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
fly smarter, not harder
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.