Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
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If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
[loses house key, starts a new life]
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so