My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
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Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
can’t catch a break
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.