Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
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Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
spot the difference
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!