You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
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My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit