HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
You Might Also Like
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
Every work call, he judges.
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby