Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
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Jokes on them. I took 10.
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
I love it all
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
opening a flower shop called women in stem
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids: