I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
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[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.