Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
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My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.